Bestselling author Jeanne Martinet is an expert on the ways of making friends and influencing people. Go in-depth with the author of Life is Friends and get her tips on how to navigate online networking, become the perfect party host, and get away with the artful dodge.
1. What do you mean by “Life is Friends”?
Most people spend their lives searching for meaning and trying to find happiness, often missing the secret that having good friends is more essential to our well-being than anything else. Real friends are more important than money or power -- even more important, sometimes, than family. The phenomenal popularity of social networking websites is proof that we are longing to connect with other people. But the fact is that life-long, authentic relationships cannot be forged online.
2. Was there a particular moment when you realized that many of us were substituting online relationships for real ones?
For the last year or two I have grown increasingly perturbed by the amount of people I encounter whose “friends” are people they have never seen in person. But I think it was when I walked into a Starbucks one day and saw about thirty people, mostly sitting alone -- all staring intently into their laptops or texting furiously -- that I realized how much things had changed. Everyone in the line for coffee was talking on a cell phone. It suddenly seemed so bizarre. The local coffee shop or bar has always been a place of community, where you can chat and meet people. And here were all these people together, not talking to each other.
3. Are you saying that we need to throw away our computers?
No. Obviously the internet is a fantastic people-connecting tool. The web has done for communication what the invention of the automobile did for travel. I am just suggesting we just “unplug” once in awhile, and that we not use the computer for everything. I’m saying you should resist choosing the internet or cell phone over the interesting, live person right in front of you! In LIFE IS FRIENDS, I offer very specific guidelines for when and how to use your communication technology so that it augments your social life but does not supplant it.
4. Can you offer a few specific tips on how to do this?
Use the internet for initial connection but then get offline as quickly as possible. For example, there are websites designed to help people connect in person, sites like Meetup.com, where you can search for people with your interests, people who regularly meet at a bar or cafe. I believe these sites are more conducive to real friendships than Facebook, where you may be in touch with a hundred new (or long-lost) friends with whom you will never socialize face to face. There are also many instances when you should opt for a phone conversation or a face-to-face conversation instead of email. Email is certainly invaluable as an efficient way to zero in on where and when you want to meet. But it is not for apologies, cancellations, condolences or conflict resolution. Also, in general I find that group emails and the “reply all” button are greatly overused. Most of us do not take the time to notice exactly who we are replying to, or to consider whether the message is really meant for all the recipients.
5. Do you think it is ironic that you are promoting a book like this online?
Not really. The Internet is, without a doubt, essential for all kinds of information exchange, business ventures, and marketing--as well as for personal communication. I am not a Luddite by any means. I love my computer. My point is that it should not replace, or take away from, face-to-face socializing.
6. What is the sound-bite social life?
A lot of us are living life in the Too-Fast-Lane; we have a twenty minute coffee date with a friend, a half hour lunch date, then a fifteen minute drink somewhere. And in between we are continually texting, or twittering away. We need to slow our relationships down, so that we are not skating along the surface as if we always had our finger on the channel-changer. Truly intimate personal bonds don’t happen all by themselves. They take attention. It’s a matter of quality versus quantity.
7. What are a few ways we can avoid the sound-bite social life?
Don’t rush through your get-togethers; plan enough time so that you can really enjoy the interaction. Don’t overbook. While you are with a friend, turn off your cell phone or Blackberry so you can really listen to and enjoy the other person. Don’t start an important conversation with someone on your cell phone when you know you only have two minutes to talk. Have small, leisurely dinner parties instead of larger, noisy gatherings. Don’t collect friends, make friends.
8. How do you say “I like you” to a potential friend without freaking her out?
When you meet someone at a party or other social gathering and feel she may be a kindred spirit, sometimes it’s best to “test the waters” before asking if she wants to get together. For example, you might say, “I hear the new Peruvian restaurant on Broadway is fantastic.” The response you get will often indicate whether or not this new person may be interested in pursuing a friendship (e.g. “I don’t eat Peruvian food,” or “I’ve always wanted to try that place!”)
9. What are your thoughts on the artful dodge?
As sneaky as it sounds, artful dodging -- not just plain old insensitive dodging -- is an important part of modern civilization. It’s really about rejecting people without hurting their feelings. Whether you use the “Missing Business Card” (where you pretend you have forgotten or run out of cards in order to avoid having to give one to the pushy woman you meet at the cocktail party), the “Duck and Cover” (a technique that involves a delaying tactic followed by a carefully-crafted excuse) or “Passing the Dodge,” (blaming your spouse or roommate for not being able to come to the party) a well-executed white lie is an important part of your social tool kit.
10. Why it is so important to invite people into your home?
Having people over is an important a step in friendship. It says to a friend, “I want to share important parts of my life with you; I trust you.” When we are little kids we go to each other’s houses the minute we meet a new friend. This is part of the reason kids become intimate friends so quickly.
11. How do you create the perfect guest list?
I always encourage the inclusion of at least one or two guests no one has met before; new blood spices up the experience for everyone, and it’s an act of social generosity to introduce your friends to one another. My general rule is: combine people whose lifestyles, ages or geography may be different, but not their politics or their religion.
12. What’s the best kind of host? And the worst?
The best kind of host is able to put people at their ease and makes each guest feel wanted and special -- as if there were no one else on earth the host would rather have in his home at that moment. The best host knows how to smooth things over when things don’t go as planned. He knows how to keep the guests conversing with each other. The worst host does not offer his guest something to drink immediately upon arrival, makes the guest feel guilty or uncomfortable about being there, and talks about past or future parties to which people present were not invited.
13. What kind of friendship patterns do we need to break out of?
Not everyone needs to change their friendship patterns; however, some of us can get into ruts, and can end up having less-than-fulfilling social lives. For example, if you are someone who tends to go overboard when you first meet a new friend--emailing several times a day for two weeks, calling often--and the new friend tends to disappear, try proceeding more slowly next time. If you are always the person in the friendship who listens, try sharing your own thoughts a little more. If you are always a guest and never a host, throw a party!!